


the grievance of stars

by howlingsaturn



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, all about parallel universes and stars, we love space talk in this house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:15:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26290258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingsaturn/pseuds/howlingsaturn
Summary: "Don't you get lonely sometimes?" Eliott's voice cuts through the silence, barely rising above a whisper, "Knowing of all the darkness outside?""No," Lucas breathes out, "I haven't been lonely since I met you."
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 15
Kudos: 92





	the grievance of stars

* * *

i cannot begin to understand

where your mind goes sometimes

but know that i will wait patiently 

for your self to come back 

— _you got me_

* * *

As Eliott stares out of the window and watches the rain crash ruthlessly onto the dark streets of Paris, he feels hollow. His muscles ache from sitting in the same position for so long but he can't bring himself to move, he simply doesn't have the strength to. It's how Lucas finds him a couple of hours later, curled in on himself on the floor as if he's been bound in chains, his eyes fixated on the ocean of blues and greys mixing in front of the window. 

Lucas' heart sinks upon seeing him, this tired shell of who he used to be, but it doesn't surprise him, he's noticed the signs. It's frustrating, being aware of Eliott's changes in mood and behaviour and not being able to do something to prevent it. Lucas feels heartbroken and wishes he could make it all go away, pull the darkness out of him and replace it with sunshine. But it's Eliott and the darkness is as much a part of him as the light and Lucas loves him so much, everything and all of him, he wouldn't want to change a thing.

Still, Lucas feels his chest tighten with worry. He swallows past the lump in his throat and calls out for him, taking a few tentative steps into the room as if not to frighten him. Eliott doesn't react, doesn't even move his head in Lucas' direction but he flexes his hands, visibly anxious. He opens his mouth to say something but his voice comes out cracked and so he stays silent. 

"Eliott," Lucas tries again, sitting down on the edge of the bed and making sure he leaves enough space between them so Eliott doesn't feel cornered, "What's wrong?" 

It's a stupid question, Lucas knows, but he can't help himself, he feels severely out of his depth. 

Eliott unclenches his hands again, frowning, but Lucas doesn't know if he's frustrated because of him or because he can't seem to find the words. He clears his throat again and swallows.

"You said you believe in parallel universes right?" is what he says eventually and it's totally not what Lucas had expected. "You said you picture hundreds of other Lucas's who make different decisions and live different lives. Doesn't that make you feel small? Knowing there's other versions of you that might be more successful, more talented? Doesn't that make you feel worthless? Like you don't have any purpose in this life, not a reason to live at all because you already exist a hundredfold?" 

Lucas is quiet for a moment, watching the way Eliott's chest rises and falls quickly with what Lucas assumes is rising anxiety. 

"Here's how I see it," Lucas whispers into the space between them, "There are an infinite amount of universes which means there are an infinite amount of galaxies too. And galaxies consist of stars, don't they? So if you picture a sky with billions of stars in it, they're all shining right? Not all of them are visible to you, not all of them shine the same way, some are brighter or bigger than others but that doesn't mean they're not shining right? Somewhere in a different universe, in a different sky, the one star that you can't see might shine the brightest. So the existence of other versions of yourself in other parallel universes doesn't make you less special just like the lack of visibility or brightness doesn't make a star any less of a star."

Lucas continues to observe Eliott and the way he's looking up into the now clear night sky as if it provides all the answers to his questions. Lucas hopes he can give him at least one, if only just soothe him. 

"Does that make sense to you?"

"I don't know," Eliott says as he stares at something that is far within Lucas' sight, "Aren't galaxies just giant holes of nothingness? An infinite path of silence and darkness?" He's quiet for a second, clearly thinking about something, and the way his face twists suddenly makes Lucas wonder whether he's in physical pain too. "That seems pretty lonely to me."

"Well," Lucas tries to explain, "As far as I know stars appear in constellations. That means there's never just one single star in the sky. And galaxies might be pretty silent but they're always lit by stars, aren't they? They're not pools of darkness as long as you know where to look for the light."

"But what if you don't know how to look for the light? What if you can't find it?" Eliott sighs and tugs at his hair, not knowing what to do with all that restless energy inside of him, "What if you're so far up in the sky that you can't see the other stars? What if they're too far for you to reach? What if the only thing that you _can_ see is darkness?"

Eliott turns to look at him for the first time that night and the haunted look in his eyes tugs at Lucas' heartstrings. 

"Then you're not looking closely enough," Lucas argues gently, "You're not alone, Eliott, not anymore, remember? There are other Lucas's in those parallel universes who would find you and who would bring you back down into the sky."

"I don't know," Eliott repeats, more to himself than to Lucas, and he sounds so devastated that Lucas can't help but rise from his position on the bed and reach out a hand for Eliott, sitting down right in front of him. 

"Hey," he says, gently tapping Eliott's wrist, "You're Eliott number one. You shine the brightest out of all the other Eliotts. I would _always_ find you in the darkness. And I know you'd find me too if I needed you to." 

Eliott stares down onto the point of contact, his body a mirror of sorrow, and Lucas feels like crying. He's helpless, it's the first time he's experienced an episode like that and he doesn't know if he should be touching Eliott or if that will only drive him further away. Eliott didn't flinch or take his hand out of Lucas' grasp but he feels so far gone, so out of Lucas' reach already that Lucas is scared he'll never find his way back home.

"You're the light, Eliott. You've shown me the way out of my own darkness so I _know,_ without a doubt, that you'll never get lost in the galaxy. You just shine too bright for that." 

Eliott looks up at the exclamation, his eyes finding Lucas' own, and he stares at him so intensely that Lucas fears he's going to drill a hole into his head. 

"Don't you get lonely sometimes?" Eliott's voice cuts through the silence, barely rising above a whisper, "Knowing of all the darkness outside?"

" _No_ ," Lucas breathes out, "I haven't been lonely since I met you."

Eliott looks at him for what feels like hours but can only be more than a few seconds before he turns his wrist and laces their fingers together.

"And the other Lucas's?" He asks. 

"What about them?"

"Do they feel the same?"

The question makes Lucas' lips curl into a soft smile and his eyes fill with tears before he can stop himself. He tightens his hold on Eliott's hand, whether to ground himself or Eliott, he doesn't know. 

"Yeah they do." He says and Eliott frowns again, desperation clinging at his features. 

"How do you know?" 

"Because, my dear heart, there's a you in every universe. And as long as there's an Eliott, _all_ the Lucas's in _all_ the parallel universes will never experience loneliness again."

Lucas tilts his head as if that answer was obvious, reaching out a hand to cup Eliott's cheek in his palm. They're quiet for a long time as Eliott finally evens out his breathing and allows himself and his mind to calm. Letting his eyes fall shut, he leans forward to rest his forehead against Lucas', taking comfort in his presence. It takes a while for Eliott to reassemble his thoughts and when something clicks, he begins to smile. 

"So you're basically saying we're together in every universe?" 

"Maybe," Lucas exclaims with a smile of his own, "Maybe not. After all there is an Eliott who responded to Lucille's text. Eliott number 452 if I'm not mistaken." 

That startles a laugh out of Eliott, memories of a failed double date and first kisses rising to the surface, and Lucas swears he has never felt his heart sing like that before. 

"That Eliott is probably regretting his decision as we speak," Eliott muses but his smile is wide enough to reach his eyes. 

"Could be," Lucas shrugs with a grin, "Or he could've left Lucas' room early that morning and gotten back together with her."

Lucas laughs when Eliott gives him an exasperated look.

"Listen, all I know is that we meet each other in every universe," he says sincerely, "and I fall in love with you each time, without fail."

Eliott's breath catches in his throat at Lucas' words, his stomach filling with butterflies, and he can't help but tug him close and breathe him in. He closes his eyes, welcomes in the darkness that lays heavily across his mind and _searches._ He finds what he's been looking for these difficult past few days and surprisingly, it doesn't take long at all: It's a bright glowing star, bathing his galaxy in a soft white light. How he managed to miss it before, Eliott doesn't know, but like his very own Polaris, it shines a vivid path through the emptiness and guides Eliott home.

" _Je t'aime, Eliott_ ," Lucas suddenly whispers against his hairline, unaware of the sudden change in Eliott's galaxy, and the warm sound of his voice fills Eliott with renewed strength. As Lucas squeezes him tightly against his chest, slowly swaying them side to side in a soothing rhythm, Eliot feels a little bit of sunshine return to his aching heart. 

" _Je t'aime tellement, mon étoile."_

**Author's Note:**

> please note that i am not familiar with bipolar disease. if i portrayed it in a wrong way please let me know so that i can educate myself and do better. 
> 
> come find me on tumblr: howlingsaturn


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